Revisting the Steroids Era one Home Run Derby at a time
There is one defining moment of the Steroids era for me, the 2002 Home Run Derby in Miller Park. Sammy Sosa was jacking home runs off of Bernie Brewer’s slide, into the quadruple deck and over 500 feet. It was right in front of our eyes and we didn’t want to believe it. We assumed Sammy was the most talented athlete ever. Oh how that has changed. Sammy all of the sudden forgot how to speak English at a congressional hearing. He used a corked bat in a major league game. The New York Times found out that he was on the infamous list of 104. Now he’s a disgraced ex-slugger just like every other member of the steroid era.
Looking back at the home run derby tape would tell us how much we as a baseball fans looked the other way. Unfortunately the MLB has the Nike people working for them because they have removed the tapes from their website. So we have to look at the contests around that home run derby to gain perspective. Let’s start with possibly the greatest steroid users ever assembled on the same field, the 2004 home run derby at Minute Maid Park.
The Lineup: Tejada, Berkman,Palmeiro, Bonds, Sosa, Thome, Blalock, Ortiz. We have two convicted roid monkeys (Sosa, Palmeiro) another with huge evidence for steroids (Bonds). It also contains one with who looks like he did considering he sucks without them (Ortiz) and another who lied about his age (Tejada). Berkman, Blalock and Thome have the benefit of the doubt only because I’m an optimist but really they’re all guilty by association.
First up, Lance Berkman the home town hero and victim of a huge transformation from what he looked like on his rookie card and what he looks like now. His whole body has swelled up. He either took steroids or took a visit to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. He hits five home runs off of the first six pitches. Three of them are over the those crazy train tracks in left field. No, there’s no way he took PEDs. He ends with seven with his last one being a ball that was “absolutely tomahawked” and is hit well over the train tracks.
Blalock was boring, go figure the guy with the least speculation over steroids only hits 3. Let’s skip to Bonds. First home run 447 ft. He has a dumb smile on his face like he is knows something everyone else doesn’t. I guess it’s true he knows Victor Conti and the BALCO labs. By the way his fourth home run hits the beer sign on the scoreboard. Look where that is. After his sixth, Joe Morgan “He’s amazing,” or maybe the cream and the clear is amazing. He ends with eight and advances to the second round. Speaking of the second round let’s skip there right now.
Second round participants, Tejada, Berkman, Bonds, Palmeiro. Quick comparasion, Tejada as a rookie, Tejada in 2004 . Notice the lack of chest muscles on the first one. Also notice the unibrow, that’s a hairy one. Tejada hits 15, his last three on the train tracks. Not bad for someone who is 5′9″. He is also 213 pounds. If he was a normal human being his Body Mass Index would indicate that he is clinicly obese. Interesting, very interesting. I’m supposed to believe someone who lies about his own age and then stormed off the set when confronted about it didn’t use steroids. According to wikipedia “anabolic steroid use correlates with hypomania and increased aggressiveness,” aggressiveness, like I don’t know, storming off of a set when asked something he didn’t like.
Berkman meanwhile hits his first homeun off of the all star sign. had the sign not been there it would have been well over the train tracks. His second one, in pretty much the same place. three out of the next four he hits are completely out of the stadium. He must have taken an extra cycle knowing the home run derby was in his home park. After another one goes completely out of the stadium, Chris Berman yells, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO!” What? That makes no sense. I’ve been thinking about this for twenty minutes and still can’t figure it out. Is that how you get a job at ESPN just yell out random things that sound important? I’ll call Berkman’s home run.
Berkman smacks it to left center! Off the light poll! “THAT’S TASTY BEEF!” That was fun, one more. Again! The furthest of them all! “THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE!”
Anywho, Berkman finishes with ten. Bonds and Palmeiro suck in the second round and the final round is boring Tejada wins it. Looking back that was one of the most mundeane Home Run Derbys this decade. Ironic considering the amount of steroids taken before this derby. I believe this was the last time we saw Lance Berkman’s career alive. Interesting that when steroid testing starts every single one of these players went downhill.
We learned some important things today. We learned that 5-9 guys hitting home runs is unnatural. We also learned to take an extra cycle of roids if the Home Run Derby is in you’re own park, but if you want one thing to remember, always ALWAYS remember that Miguel Tejada has a hairy unibrow.
This entry was posted on July 11, 2009 at 2:12 pm and is filed under All Star festivities. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments.
Tags: Home Run Derby, Steroids, Lance Berkman, Miguel Tejada, Barry Bonds, Palmeiro
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